The Wacky and Nutty Bipolar Test to Determine Just How Crazy You Are

How do you feel when you get out of bed in the morning?

A. Who gets out of bed in the morning? Or even later? Go away and let me sleep. It's the only thing I'm good at, anyway. Except maybe dying. I think I would be pretty good at that, too.

B. I feel peppy for the first few minutes, but then I quickly find myself discouraged, depressed, or simply crying for no reason. I just look down at my toenails, and I find that they are so ugly that I can't continue to get dressed for school or work, so I simply get back in bed. A few minutes later I feel peppy, again, though, and repeat the cycle. Don't judge - it's a way to pass the day.

Answers to Question 1

If you answered:

A. You are experiencing the depression side of bipolar disorder, something for which there is a treatment.

B. You are officially swinging from pole to pole or your bipolar disorder like Tarzan would swing on jungle vines.

When a problem arises:

A. I find that my mind is racing so fast that I can't even stop to think about what the solution for the problem could be. So really, there are no problems, only solutions. Lots of solutions. Lots and lots and lots of solutions. Sorry, what was that about a problem, again?

B. I find myself weeping when presented with complicated life choices like which breakfast cereal to eat, whether to pour 2% or low fat milk, or, even worse, whether to put honey or sugar in my oatmeal in the morning.

Answers to Question 2

If you answered:

A. While having a mind that goes faster than a racing car feels pretty great, bipolar disorder is often accompanied by an inability to think clearly, and you should consider getting some help before your brain spontaneously combusts.

B. Yes, those are hard, hard choices. Nevertheless, you might consider seeking help.

When you don't get much sleep at night:

A. I lie awake at night telling myself that there is simply too much to do to allow myself to sleep, and I find myself wide awake in the middle of the night doing very important tasks, which, in retrospect don't really seem all that important. But maybe they are. Or not. I'm not sure and that makes me sad. Not to mention sleepless.

B. Sleep? Who needs sleep? There are so many things that you can do during the night if you simply pour yourself another gallon of coffee and get to work painting your house, ordering large quantities of weight loss supplements online - and some weight gain supplements too, for good measure, and of course calling your friends and colleagues, yes, and all of those other tasks that are perfect to complete in the middle of the night.

Answers to Question 3

If you answered:

A. The average bipolar test shows that mania is one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder, and part of that mania is the inability to sleep at night. Often people who suffer from mania tend to have too much energy to rest properly at night. When coupled with bouts of depression or inexplicable sadness, well ...

B. Be wary of coming too near caged monkeys or traveling to any part of the world where there are jungles. Monkeys would be very attracted to you because you are just plain bananas.

Do you often experience the urge to do wild things?

A. I sometimes feel that I have to live recklessly, like sneaking into the tiger cage at the zoo to play with the kitties, or maybe doing things that make me spontaneous or unpredictable, like getting my dream job and quitting it 30 minutes later, or just spend a lot of money on something that I don't really need, like that time when I bought the Taj Mahal online (haven't used it since I bought it!).

B. Yes, I do. Just the other week I drank a case of Red Bull, jumped out of an airplane with just my blanket, crashed into the tail part of a helicopter, which may have saved my life, and spent a two weeks in the hospital. But the fun I had! Boy, that was really something! For some reason the nursing staff seemed to think I was a health risk to myself. Crazy, right? I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. In fact, next week I probably will.

Answers to Question 4

If you answered:

A. Bipolar disorder is often accompanied by the desire to do crazy or outrageous things, but it is vital that you control those urges before you find yourself getting in an unhealthy situation you can't get out of. Remember that time when you got beat up outside a club by a guy three times your size because you decided that being spontaneous was making out with his girlfriend in front of him?

B. Imagine that! You are actually a health risk to yourself, and others, too. But no worries, I hear they make straitjackets in your size. No, don't cry. Now, don't be angry. Now, don't be sad again. What are you laughing at? Put down the knife before you hurt someone. Someone get this guy a tissue!

How much attention do you pay to life around you?

A. My life tends to pass by in a blur of meaningless activities that I simply can't force myself to pay attention to, although other times I am completely focused on important activities such as counting the hairs sprouting out of my ears.

B. What life around me? You mean there are other people outside of my life? Interesting! Are they as important as I am, or do they just take up space on my planet?

Answers to Question 5

If you answered:

A. People who experience the depression side of bipolar disorder often tend to pay little attention to the world around them, and they tend to neglect or ignore the things in their lives that are important due to their depression. Mindless activities often completely absorb their attention. Have you noticed?

B. While some people would say that you are one card short of a deck, perhaps you don't even have a single card and are playing a completely different game!

Tell me about your average day:

A. I often wake up depressed and have a hard time getting out of bed, though I soon shift to having too much energy and vitality. So I get out of bed and get on with it. Live with a vengeance. I do miss some important stuff, though, because I have to focus all of my attention on the all-important task of trying to locate funny patterns in the tiles on my office roof.

B. I start the morning feeling full of energy and invigorated, but I tend to lose attention and focus quickly. I soon find myself weeping as I lay on the floor curled into a ball, though I start running around and performing both useless and very important tasks quickly before the weeping continues.

Answers to Question 6

If you answered:

A. One common symptom of bipolar disorder is a constant shifting of moods between mania, hypomania, and depression. Hence, the name of the disorder.

B. I hope that you have an electric company that charges a low fee, because in your case the lights are on but no one is home. With regard to getting things done, however, it all probably evens out in the end.

Do you have a hard time paying attention to details?

A. My attention tends to drift, especially when it comes to tasks that I don't think are interesting or important. Like this test. What was the question, again?

B. I have no problem paying attention. I pay my phone bill punctually every month, though she was late for the movie last night. Have you seen the new movie X-Men? I don't think that the cologne made by Mennen for Men is as good as the way that women dress when they are going to a fancy party. (Long pause) We were talking about children's parties, right?

Answers to Question 7

If you answered:

A. Often those who suffer from bipolar disorder tend to have a hard time focusing on details, though really interesting things like counting nose hairs or trying to remember how many times you have been to Chili's in the last 6 years can hold you spellbound for hours.

B. You had better have the number of a good repairman handy, as there is no doubt that you have a screw or three loose. But trying to follow your train of thought is quite interesting.