Hilarious Confucius Jokes Collection

Confucius jokes have next to nothing to do with the great Chinese thinker and social philosopher Confucius ... confused?

Well, let's just say that the funny 'Confucius say' jokes are about everything else but morality, correctness, justice, and sincerity - serious subjects which occupied the real Confucius quite a lot.
 

Because ...

• The good old Confucius liked his teachings to be short and to the point ... funny Confucius quotes are sharp funny one liners.

• In "The Analects of Confucius" Confucius liked to play with words and metaphors in which there would be several layers of meaning ... Confucius jokes often play on the double meanings of words.

Other traits that funny Confucius sayings have in common with ... well, funny Confucius sayings are:

• They always start with 'Confucius say', and no, not Confucius says.
• They are often grammatically incorrect ... probably uttered the way the maker of the joke thinks some old Chinese person would have.
• They most often possess various degrees of vulgarity and dirtiness.

So if you're ready to for some light and crude humour rather than heavy philosophy, go on, enjoy yourself.

Confucius Jokes That are up to Speed

Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired

Confucius say: Man who run behind car get exhausted

Confucius say: Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!

Confucius say: Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling

Confucius Quotes about the Confusing Consequences of Consummation

Confucius say: He who fish in other man's well often catches crabs

Confucius say: State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

Confucius say: Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Confucius say: Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring, have offspring next spring.

Confucius Jokes about the Simple Joys of Clothing's Potentials

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Confucius say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.

Confucius say: Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

Confucius say: Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is "Negligent"

Funny Confucius Sayings That Make a Clean Breast of It

Confucius say: Man who suck woman's tit make clean breast of things.

Confucius say: Man who want to catch a bra, should set a boobie trap.

Confucius say: Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.

Confucius say: Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap, may get bust in mouth.

Confucius Funny Sayings That Are Really Hot

Confucius say: Man who put cock on stove have hot rod.

Confucius say: He who stick head in oven get baked bean.

Confucius say: Man who sit on hot stove will rise again.

Confucius Say Jokes about Practical Hands-on Experiences

Confucius say: Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.

Confucius say: Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily plumber.

Confucius say: Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.

Confucius say: Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say: Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!

Untouched and Pristine Confucius Sayings

Confucius say: Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!

Confucius say: A virgin, sleeping on a waterbed is called 'cherry float'.

Confucius say: Virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick.

Confucius Sayings That Are a Real Mouthful

Confucius say: When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

Confucius say: Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.

Confucius say: Man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.

Confucius say: Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!

Confucius Jokes about Material Pleasures

Confucius say: Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.

Confucius say: Man who live in glass house should change in basement.

Confucius say: Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for joy.

Confucius say: Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam.

Confucius say: Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.

Confucius say: Man who fall into an upholstery machine, eventually be fully recovered.

Confucius say: Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Confucius Quotes That Warn You: 'Not Stick Nose in'

Confucius say: He who sniffs coke, gets ice cube up nose.

Confucius say: A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Confucius say: Man who keeps nose to the grindstone, have sharp boogers.

Confucius say: Man who walk with nose in air very easy to hook.

Confucius say: Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.

Funny Confucius Quotes Said in Sport

Confucius say: Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Confucius say: Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots.

Confucius say: Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say: Basketball player who marry midget lady will be nuts over her.

Confucius say: Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Confucius say: Hockey player on ice have big stick.

Random funny stuff from Confucius

Confucius say: Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Confucius say: He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.

Confucius say: Hole happy, whole body happy.

Confucius say: Man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.

Confucius say: Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

Confucius say: Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Confucius say: Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Confucius say: Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say: Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

Confucius say: Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.

Confucius say: Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.

Confucius say: Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.

Confucius say: Man with no legs bums around.

Confucius say: Find old man in dark, not hard!

Confucius say: Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

Confucius say: If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius say: Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!