Funny Epitaph from Vermont

by John Sykes
(USA)

(Visitor shares a funny epitaph:)

Okay, this isn't strictly a joke, but it is funny. On a grave in Enosburg (a town in Vermont, US), I saw an epitaph which I thought was worth sharing here:

In Memory of Anna Hopewell

Here Lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

5 Funny Jokes about Men and Women

by Marsha
(Texas, US)

I got a handful of one liners about men and women for ya'all:

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

- * -

All men are animals. Some just make better pets.

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How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused? He's breathing.

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What are the three words a woman really hates to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"

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Behind every successful man stands ... a surprised mother-in-law.

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The Tubby Toilet Joke

by Lewis
(North Wales)

Question: Why did the teletubbies all go to the toilet at the same time?

Answer: Because they only have one tinky-winky!

Funny Short Joke about Critics

by Gilbert
(Scotland)

(Visitor's funny short joke:)

Artist says to critic: "I'd like to hear your opinion of my painting."

Critic: "It's worthless!"

Artist: "I know, but I would like to hear it anyway."

Funny Rhyming Joke: My Teacher

by Anonymous

My mom made this up at my poets cafe.
It was so funny, just listen.

My teacher is kooky
My teacher is cool
Expecially when she teaches
and acts like a fool

Hahahah! It's so funny!

Ha Ha, Do You Get These?

by David
(California)

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

Now you know why they call it a workstation!

- * -

A desperate man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

The short reply came back, “We are not that lonely."

- * -

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

- * -

Once upon a time a school teacher was reading out loud, the famous story of the Little Duckling. When the teacher reached the part of the story where the Little Duckling desperately tried to warn the farmer, she read, ".... and so Little Duckling went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling down, the sky is falling down!"

The teacher then briefly stopped her story and asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said,

"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking duckling!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

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Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?

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A woman's poor husband had been ill for a many months, passing in and out of a coma. The caring wife sat by his bedside every single day hoping and praying. Finally when the husband came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

When she did, he said, "You know what? You have been with when it all got through.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business fell, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!"

- * -

Two guys working for the city were doing apparently strange things.

One would dig a hole. The other one would fill it! Over and over!

A man walking by couldn't believe how hard these men were working, and obviously couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

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Q. What do you call a bug with manners?

A. A lady bug

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Q: Do politicians ever lie?

A: What do you think they get paid for?

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A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

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Q: What did the doctor say to the ghost?

A: I have a boo boo

Father in a Fist Fight

by Jeremy
(New York)

(Visitor's father joke):

A small boy came running up to a policeman, yelling, "Please come with me, my dad is in a fight!"

The officer followed the boy to a bar where three men were involved in a violent fist fight.

"OK, son," said the cop, "now which one is your father?"

"I don't know," said the boy, "That's what they're fighting about!"

What Are You?

by Anonymous

Question: If you are an American outside of the bathroom, what are you inside of the bathroom?

Answer: European!

The Longest Word in the World!

by Anonymous

Q: What is the longest word in the world?

A: 'Smiles' because there is a mile in between the first and last letters.

The 3 Men's Bathrooms

by Saheyli
(Europe)

There were 3 men: an African, a French and an American.

These 3 men were very best friends and one day these 3 people decided to have a competition of making modern bath rooms.

So the African man went to the shop and told the bathroom maker to make a wooden bathroom for him.

The French guy went and asked for a marble bathroom.

The American guy asked for a musical bathroom.

After a few days the work was complete and the men started using them.

But now the African cried out and went back to the shop to complain, "Oh God,when i sit down the commode the water leaks,please fix it!"

The French, "I am slipping, I can't do my work, please fix it!"

The American cried out and went to the shop to complain, "Oh God, I should never have taken this bathroom, because whenever I hear my national anthem I have to stand up!

About a One Night Stand

by Anonymous

A guy picked up a girl in a bar and took her back to his hotel. They had great sex, and then they had great sex again, and then AGAIN. Then, they had great sex again. And again.

After the sixth time the girl was still screaming for more, and guy realized the girl was probably an nymphomaniac.

He didn't let this stop him, though, but after the ninth time, he decided he needed a break and went out to get some beers. On the way to the supermarket he passed a public toilet and went in to have a leak.

Standing in front of the urinal he unzipped his pants, wanting to pull his dick out. He couldn't find it. After fishing around for a minute he sighed and said: "Look, it's all right. She's not here!"

A Farmer and his Mule

by Anonymous
(Spicewood, Texas)

One evening while his wife was cooking supper, a farmer who wanted to plow the back forty was attempting to get his stubborn mule in the pen.

The old mule, wise in his years, knew fully well that getting pined up meant he would be pulling a plow all day long the next day.

The farmer had the gate open, while slapping his straw hat against his leg, shouted to the mule, "Go on mule, get off in that pen".

The mule ran from side to side not wanting to get pinned up.

The farmer kept shouting "Go on Mule, get off in that pen".

After about thirty minutes, the farmers wife seeing he needed help, took off her apron and went out to help her husband. She didn't have a hat, so she started flopping her skirt up and down while shouting "Go mule, get off in that pen".

It seamed to make matters worse, the mule just refused to be pinned up.

Finally the farmer called out to his wife, "For Gods sake, Martha Mae, stop flopping your skirt up in the air, that mule thinks your trying to collar him".

Name Game

by Wilma Cox
(Edinburgh, Scotland)

Question:
What do you call a 3 year old Jewish child who isn't circumcised?

Answer:
A girl.

We Were so Poor as Kids

by Craig Berry
(England)

We were so poor as kids we would all sleep in the same bed with my dads coat slung over us.

My mum had a posh friend coming round so we were sent to bed early.

I shouted down the stairs, "Mum, little brother is hogging all the coat."

She replied, "It's not a coat, it's a king size quilt."

A little while later I shouted down, "Mum, little brother has ripped the sleeve off the quilt."
~ Craig Berry ~

Plates

by Kate
(California)

What did one plate say to the other?

“Dinner is on me!”
~ Kate ~

Cheating Joke

by Bethany
(Carterville Ga Bartow County)

So a husband walks into the door (he was coming home from work) and his wife slapped him on the face.

"What was that for?"

I found a piece of paper with the name Ally and her number on it.

The husband says "Me and my friends were bidding on horses and Ally was the name of the horse and her number.

Oh, the wife says, I am so sorry.

So the next day the husband walks in from work and the wife slapped him on the face again. Ow! What was that for.

The wife says Your horse is on the phone.
~ Bethany ~

Modern Entomology

by Greame Crompton
(Black Mountain Canberra)

Two flys on a toilet seat. What did one fly say to the other? Wanna hit the piss or go for the hard stuff!
~ Greame Crompton ~

Duck!

by A human
(Somewhere on earth)

Strong>A mother is at the park, feeding the ducks with her children.

“Duck!” One of the children shouts.

The mother instinctively ducks, and a large duck flies over her head."

The Hole-y Stuff

by Beryl
(HK)

Question: Do you know why people look up to ripped shirt or jeans?

It's because they are hole-y.

~ Beryl ~