The Funny Truth about Unicorns

by Layna
(MO)

Wondering why you aren't seeing unicorns?

Well, there are 3 possibilities for where those elusive unicorns could be at or what actually happened to them:

1) They are in an underwater cave waiting to be discovered.

2) During the flood, they missed the boat so they adapted to their watery surroundings and became the narwhal.

3) Due to intense freezingness, they gained many pounds and became the rhino.

Bears Went to the Doctor

by Julie
(Inverness fl)

Three bears went to the doctor because they were constipated. The doctor gives the dad three pills, mommy bear two pills and baby bear 1 pill.

Dad says, 'Thanks a lot I did a tank full'. Mamma bear says, 'I did a plate full'. Baby bear says, 'I'm broken hearted, I only farted!'

What to Do When Your Game Console Stops Working

by Claudia Rose Brooks
(Glade Hill,Virginia,USA)

CLAUDIA: What do you do when your game console stops working?

ZACH: I don't know!

CLAUDIA: Go get a Wii-fund!

Random Moment

by Christopher OConnor
(Scituate MA United states)

You know your dealing with a random moment when you see a guy in leopard booty shorts run past you in 40 degree weather.

The Pac-Man - The Secret He's Been Hiding

by Layna
(MO )

Ever wonder what those little dots are that the pac-man eats?

Well, the only solution is that he is popping pills all day!

About a Man from India

by Priya
(Nepal)

A man was living in a building with many flats. He was wearing a dhoti, no undergarnments and a vest.

One day when he was just roaming around on the top floor, the building caught fire. The first floor burnt away, then the second floor burnt away, and then the fire got to the top floor.

The man got afraid and then screamed, "HELP ME, HELP ME".

Then people thought that they should help him so they brought a sponge and told him to jump.

He jumped, but because it was a sponge, he went up again, again and again. He jumped many times, but every time, he went up again.

Then the people put some super glue on the sponge and then they told him to try and jump again.

He jumped but his dhoti got stuck in the sponge and he went up.

Canadians and the Washroom

by Arruny
(Scarbrough)

(Visitor's very funny joke):

If you go into the washroom as a Canadian and come out at as a Canadian. What are you in the Washroom?

European (pronouned - urpein/you're a pain)

Confucius Joke - Smelly Finger

by Brenton
(South Africa)

Confucius says: Boy who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.

Oprah Weightfree

by Nanci Mowery
(USA)

Ya know why Oprah's unable to keep her weight off??

Coz she's so full of herself!! =OO

Confusious Say
The Sandpaper Joke

by Anonymous

Man who masturbates with sandpaper will surely get burned.

Never Marry a Wrestler Joke

by Bianca (22)

So one day three men were at a bar.

The first man who was married to the chef said, "I told my wife to clean the dishes and clean my room everyday". Then he said, "The first day I didn't see anything but after a while it was happening."

The second man who was married to a cop said, "I told my wife to clean the house, welcome me and even buy me drinks". Then he said, "The first day I didn't see anything, same with second day. But after a while it was happening."

The third man who was married to a wrestler said, "I told my wife to clean the house, buy me things, pay the rent and even exercise. For 10 days, I didn't see anything. By the 11th day the swelling went down."

The Surgeon and the Plumber

by Tim

Transformation

A well-known and very dignified surgeon called a plumber to fix the flooded bathroom in his office.

When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of used overalls. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed doctor smirked in a condescending way and said: "Do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?!"

The plumber just smiled. When he was done, the plumber gave him the bill and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck.

He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed. He asked the surgeon if he knew of any friends who might want the job.

The surgeon raised his eyebrows and pointed at his suit, his shoes, his degree and his office: "I'm well known in my field. I am a surgeon. Now, do I LOOK like someone who would have a PLUMBER for a friend?"

"You're right. A high class guy like you in a fancy suit and those high-class shoes would never know plumbers," said the plumber apologetically. He put the overalls down on a chair.

"Exactly! I do not count PLUMBERS among my friends!" smirked the upper-crust doctor, as he checked his shoes to make sure the shine was still perfect and carefully tightened the knot of his tie. Now I suggest you get to work!?

When the plumber returned, he entered the surgeon's office, stopped and stared. There on the floor were the doctor's brand new mirror-polished $1,000 handmade Italian leather shoes, but their owner's feet were no longer in them. A few feet away, he saw the doctor's black silk socks, also discarded.

The plumber grinned and followed the trail:

Next he found the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit that the doctor had been wearing, also neatly folded, with attached paisley braces, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie and the matching pocket square, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His medical degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them.

The plumber picked up one of the doctor's very expensive shoes and went in to the bathroom; there was the famous surgeon in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The plumber tapped on the soles of the formerly dapper doctor's feet with his own high-class shoe.

The surgeon looked out, with sweat streaming down his hundred dollar haircut. He pointed at the plumber's bill and said "You found your assistant."

Crazy Questions, Crazy Replies!

by Siamak
(Vancouver, Canada)

Man Of Mystery

by Dave
(UK)

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “On your CV, it says that you’re a man of mystery.”

I said, “That’s correct.”

He said, “Would you like to elaborate?”

I said, “No.”

Chinki

by Aston

What do you call a rich Chinese man?

Chi ching

Understanding the Game of Golf

by Thom Goddard
(Essex, England)

I don’t understand golf.

The entire point of golf is to play as little golf as possible.

To make as few shots as possible.

The more shots you take, the worse you are.

So the people who play the least golf are the best ones at it.

And the people who play the most golf are the worst ones at it.

Unlike other sports, people get paid millions of dollars for being able to play less golf than other people.

In football, basketball or tennis, the best pros are the ones who score the most.

If you want to get paid to play golf you have to be able to score less than other players.

To play less than other players.

As I put my ball on the tee, take a step back and look at the fairway ahead, I realise I don’t play enough golf.

And here’s the thing, if you don’t play enough golf you will never get better at playing golf.

So by not playing enough golf, you will never be good enough to play as little golf as possible.

After the swing and seeing my ball disappear into the trees again, one thing is clear.

I don’t like golf.

Yuppies

by Hilary Gould
(Port Hope Ontario Canada)

A lawyer gets in a car accident with his BMW.

He says to the cop, look what they did to my Beamer.

The cop says, you ass, you're so worried about your Beamer, you don't realize your arm has been knocked off.

The lawyer look to where it should be and asks the cop if he has seen his Rolex anywhere.

The Stupidest Animal in the Jungle

by Jerry Jones
(U.S.A)

Question: What is the stupidest animal in the jungle?

Answer: A polar bear.

~ Jerry Jones ~

Pandemic Corona Jokes of 2020

by Katie Doroh
(Gardner, KS, United States)

Where is the safest place to live during this pandemic?
Amaska (Alaska)

If Janet Jackson made a song about 2020, what would she call it?
We are a part of a Vaccine Nation!

What do you call it when you go out looking for sightings like Bigfoot in 2020?
A “mask watch” (Sasquatch)

What food should you eat in 2020?
Masked potatoes

What is 2020’s favorite quote?
“Life is a masquerade! Everywhere you look people are hiding behind masks.”

If 2020 was a bug, what would it be?
A “mask” ito

What did the eyelashes say to the mouth?
We’re living in a mask era. (mascara)

What do you call a mask that smells good?
Musk

What do you call a mask you sneeze in?
A “mess”k

If Leonardo Da Vinci lived in 2020, what would he want?
A mask or peace (masterpiece)

What did the Lone Star State say to Mexico amid the pandemic?
Don’t mask with Texas!

What did the therapist say to his COVID-19 client?
Don’t mask your feelings.

What do you call sacrificial strength during COVID-19?
Mask you lend (masculine)

Why did the man whisper his corona virus test results to his friend?
They were COVID ential.

What does an anti-masker say to the mask order?
You emasculate me!!

What did Rudolf and all the reindeer want Santa to know in 2020?
Vixen ate (vaccinate)

What’s essential to pack for a 2020 campout?
Maskmellows

How does a mask travel up?
A mask-alator

What do you call a drive through in 2020?
A VAX-N-ATE

Why do some people with COVID-19 show no symptoms?
They have a symptom attic. (asymptomatic)
~ Katie Doroh ~

Self Help

by Kevin
(UK)

I went into a book shop and asked the assistant where the self help section was. She said I could tell you but...
~ Kevin ~

What do you call a Chinese dachshund?

by Kearstin Johnson
(Minot, North dakota)

What do you call a Chinese dachshund?
Linguine.
~ Kearstin Johnson ~