The Funny True Love Match Test for Good Gents, Bad Blokes and Assorted Amusement Loving Guys - a Strange Soul Mate Quiz

When you see her ...

A. You feel a stirring somewhere north of your belt buckle and your heart skips a beat

B. You feel a stirring somewhere south of your belt buckle and you want to sit up and howl at the moon, but you can't remember the last intelligent conversation you had with her, if indeed you ever had one

C. You wonder "Why am I with her? I remember my last girlfriend, and she would do this thing with ..."

Answers to Question 1
 

If you answered ...

A. As much as you hate to admit it, you probably love her

B. You have a beautiful, sexy woman, and what else is there? Except intelligent conversation and love and such, of course, but, seriously, who cares about that?

C. You seem to be dating the wrong woman - have you noticed?

Do you know what she is thinking ...

A. Yes, all the time

B. Sometimes, though it never hurts to ask

C. Never, and you don't care either

Answers to Question 2
 

If you answered ...

A. Ha ha ha, don't kid yourself!

B. Wise man that you are, you have discovered one of the eternal truths about women and you will probably be successful in your relationship. Which truth? Well, the fact that women prefer you to not only get in their pants but also in their head. (And if you don't get in their hearts first, you're not likely to go either of those two places).

C. You have no idea what women want, do you? Nor do you care, obviously. Which, strangely, seems to work just fine with certain women. Not many, though. But of course you only need one. Or a small handful.

She is attracted to you because ...

A. You have rock hard abs, are well hung, and you make great eye candy

B. You are rich, take her nice places, and have her chauffeured to fancy dinner dates

C. You have personality, charm, good looks, endurance, and are intelligent

Answers to Question 3
 

If you answered ...

A. Have fun while it lasts. Pretty as she may be, clearly she's shallow, too, and will dump you the moment she finds a "better model". Of course you might just do the exact same thing, right?

B. To quote Kanye West, "Well I ain't saying she's a gold digger ..." But as long as you keep that mammon coming, she'll probably stay - and who cares if for some weird reason Denny the driver occasionally takes three times as long you'd have thought to get her to where she wants to go ... As long as he makes her go, right?

C. You have a woman who likes you for who you are - a charming, intelligent, good looking intelligent stud with a great personality

When you tell a joke, she ...

A. Nearly passes out from laughing and rolling on the floor, though you suspect she is simply doing it to make you happy

B. Looks at you blankly, and continues telling you how to fold the laundry properly

C. Laughs if she gets - and likes - the joke, but doesn't overdo it and isn't afraid to ask if she doesn't understand a few jokes - which, considering the quality of your jokes, is bound to happen, right?

Answers to Question 4
 

If you answered ...

A. No guy is that funny, and your suspicions are correct. Are you happy?

B. If she's not laughing at your jokes, clearly, she's not too bright, yet she still tells you what to do?

C. She is the right one for you, though you may need to up the quality of your jokes

When your eyes wander towards the same zip code as another woman, your woman ...

A. May or may not disapprove, but unless your eyes are do the 'instant invisible strip show thing' with every girl you meet she will feel secure enough in herself to let you play around in your imagination

B. Flies into a jealous rage - again - and threatens to break up with you - again - because she can't handle the thought of you with another woman - again

C. Calmly beats you senseless with your own baseball bat and then calls her mother weeping because she "caught you cheating on her with another woman" - after which she divorces you for everything you have and ever will earn

Answers to Question 5
 

If you answered ...

A. You have a girl who is perfect for any guy. And if you have roving eyes, at least when your perfect woman is nearby do consider limiting the 'strip show' to her

B. Obviously you appreciate high drama; else, why are you still with this woman?

C. You are most likely dating a greedy gold digging psycho, and maybe, just maybe this woman wasn't right for you in the first place

When you arrive at a restaurant, you ...

A. Open the car door for her, hold her hand all the way into the restaurant, pull out her chair for her, place her napkin on her lap, sit next to her and stare adoringly into her eyes throughout the whole meal while asking lots of questions that display your honest interest in her thoughts and feelings. Of course you pay for everything and expect nothing in return

B. Let her open her own car door and the door to the restaurant, too, let her pull out her own chair, you display fairly good table manners, and carry on a normal, intelligent conversation about subject ranging from sports to movies to thoughts and the occasional feelings, too. After the meal you split the bill like two equals who are able to provide for yourselves

C. Accidentally lock the car with her still inside, make her open the restaurant door for you, order her food for her, and eat off her plate while looking at other women the whole time

Answers to Question 6
 

If you answered ...

A. Great job! You seem to be a caring, loving (not to mention rich) gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. Being able to fake that means you have it made!

B. You're normal. A lot of women, particularly American women, do not appreciate that. Go figure!

C. Even if the woman does not actually use her can of pepper spray on you, you had best enjoy your last dinner with a woman that is not made from plastic, and maybe you should give serious consideration to returning to the kennel you came from.

You have a couple of pictures of your ex-girlfriend in your house when she moves in, so she ...

A. Pointedly ignores them, and asks a few days later if the pictures still hold any sentimental value

B. Screams and starts demanding when you are going to break up with her and get back together with your ex girlfriend

C. Builds a large bonfire and throws the pictures - and some of your favorite stuff, too - into it while threatening to do the same to you if you ever see or even speak to your ex again

Answers to Question 7
 

If you answered ...

A. You have a keeper, and just hide those pictures the minute that she brings them up - particularly the nude photos

B. A bit of an overreaction, yes? Obviously she is insecure, aggressively so. So, barring her seeing a therapist, now is the time when you start weighing the pros of beautiful boobs and a brilliant behind, etc. against the cons of long term damage to your nerves and eardrums

C. The solution here is simple. Run. Just run and don't stop until you reach Canada. If you're in Canada, make that Alaska. Bring a warm sweater

After sex, she ...

A. Thanks you and leaves you a tip. Occasionally she just leaves the tip.

B. Tries hard to control her wild breathing while declaring that you are the best that she has ever had

C. Snuggles with you, satisfied and relaxed, just enjoying your company

Answers to Question 8
 

If you answered ...

A. You may want to reconsider dating the Ice Witch of Narnia, as she has more warmth and playfulness than your current girlfriend. Unless the sex is really good, of course. Or the tips!

B. You may be the luckiest guy in the world; or she simply may be faking it to keep your fragile ego from being shattered

C. If you like to snuggle, you have the perfect girl - seeing as how she must be real easy to satisfy

If your best friend made lewd fun of your girlfriend while she was present, you ...

A. Would join in on the fun and make her look weird and bad, but funny, to your friend. Nothing like a good laugh with your pal, is there?

B. Would punch your best friend in the gut, knock him out with a left hook, kick him while he was lying down, sue him and, of course, vow never to speak to him again

C. Your girlfriend and/or you would set some clear boundaries, and then proceed to quietly steer the conversation in a different, much more mutually enjoyable direction

Answers to Question 9
 

If you answered ...

A. If your girlfriend stays with you after that treatment, you might consider letting her go and finding a girlfriend who has enough guts and self worth to set both the miserable jerk you are and your stupid friend straight

B. Have you heard about anger management courses?

C. Now, there's a good solution! Don't you love it when your girlfriend has her own set of balls and doesn't have to rely on yours all the time? And don't you also just love it when having balls doesn't mean that you have to throw them in someone's face?

Can you lie to your girlfriend?

A. Absolutely. In fact, I am lying to her about taking this love match test

B. I can, but I feel bad about it, because it is inherently wrong to lie about anything and if I do, I will surely go to straight to Hell where I will be tormented by red devils with pointy pitchforks while roasting in a pit of fire after having marinated for at least 24 hours in bath of whale oil, vinegar, rosemary and thyme

C. No, because I love and respect both her and myself too much to lie. And in any case I never could keep track of lies. The truth is so much easier.

Answers to Question 10
 

If you answered ...

A. You are seriously lacking in integrity. Odds are that your girlfriend knows this, and if she stays with you it is surely either because she is lying and cheating just as much as you, or because she has a hidden agenda about improving and saving you. Good luck to the both of you!

B. Pretty much every human being alive will lie at some point in their life, but the fact that you feel bad about it shows that maybe there is a possibility that you are making progress as a person. Even if it is obviously under duress induced by weird, food related beliefs

C. Good for you. And for her, too. You will have an easy life. Live long and prosper!