The Silly Stress Test to Determine Just How Tense and Close to Total Insanity You Are

When friends want to talk to you, they usually start off by telling you:

A. "Put the gun down and we can have a sensible talk ..."

B. "Hey, maybe we could talk once you have stopped using meth, speed and cocaine ..."

C. "Say, you're like a bit tense. Why don't you stop gnawing on your shoe so we can talk about ..."

Answers to Question 1  

If you answered ...

A. You have actually already snapped, and unless you can stop pointing that gun at me there is no way that I can help you solve your stress problem.

B. Substance abuse is a common counter to stress, though most people find that addiction simply adds to the stress. Drugs such as meth, speed and cocaine are not highly recommended for dealing with stress. No, seriously, they're not. Trust us on this one.

C. While having a good stress reliever is a good idea, chewing on your shoe may simply wear out your teeth, which could lead to further stress due to high dental bills and ultimately the inability to eat real food. Put the shoe down and find something else to work out your stress on, like a punching pillow or a pumpkin.

All men fantasize about their wives. Tell us about your fantasy:

A. In my fantasy, I imagine the ecstatic feel of my hands around her throat as she finally ceases nagging me about cleaning up and taking out the garbage.

B. In my fantasy, I imagine my wife sitting in a beautiful dress made out of coconut leaves alone on an island in the middle of the Pacific. I am obviously not there, and I am very happy ... because I don't have to see her anymore.

C. In my fantasy, I imagine I have a remote control that allows me to turn the sound of her voice off and on, as well as direct her to the kitchen and the fridge to get me a beer instead of asking me to vacuum the carpet to clean up my chip mess and take out the garbage.

Answers to Question 2

If you answered ...

A. You are definitely bordering on psychotic stress, and you definitely need to find a way to unwind before you totally wig out. Consider going fishing for the weekend - or, perhaps, having yourself committed to a mental institution.

B. Your wife may be the cause of your stress, and you should spend a good long weekend away from home to relax before you go completely crazy. Do this approx. three to four weekends every month.

C. You are dreaming every man's dream, and you are living every man's life. Stress is regular for every guy in your shoes, so get used to it - or get a divorce.

When your man asks you "What's for dinner?"

A. You have to quickly remove the body and bury it in your backyard before anyone finds it, as well as washing the kitchen knife carefully to remove any evidence.

B. Your hands reach for that pan of boiling oil, and you slowly count to a million to ensure that you don't act in haste.

C. As hard as it is to refrain from strangling him, he gets off easy with just a few dishes thrown at his head and a 15 minute yelling session.

Answers to Question 3

If you answered ...

A. Enjoy your life as a recently widowed woman, but you might want to consider the fact that you may, perhaps, be a tiny bit stressed. Please don't stab me.

B. Living with someone can be tough, but a pan full of boiling oil to the face won't make the stress go away. Perhaps try using your words instead of your frying pan to get the point across. If that doesn't work, try kickboxing. Or just divorce the useless son-of-a-bitch.

C. You are finding ways to manage your stress, which is good. However, you may want to take up judo, wrestling or marathon running to help you get out your frustrations in a way that won't injure your significant other.

What is your opinion of Valium?

A. It is all I eat. I call it breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But I find that it only relieves my stress somewhat.

B. What's that man? Valium, man? You're crazy. I love you, man.

C. Valium? That's for wimps! I use the strong stuff.

Answers to Question 4

If you answered ...

A. You are far too tense, and if Valium has no effect on you then there is nothing that a year's vacation will do to help you either. Sorry.

B. You are taking Valium now, which means that you are finally coming down from your stressful lifestyle and enjoying the fuzzy feeling provided. Enjoy it while it lasts.

C. Perhaps overdosing on medication is not the way to relax and unwind, and you should consider taking up shooting at a gun range or full contact extreme Frisbee to de-stress.

When you have to wait for more than 5 minutes:

A. You begin to shake and go into convulsions as you think about all of the things that you are not getting done in those five minutes, and you feel like your life is about to end as you wait for ... etc. etc.

B. You begin to tap, hum, dance, read, talk, jog, cycle, or do anything that you can find to ensure that you are being productive in your 'huge amount of free time'.

C. You look down to find that you are making a phone call on your Bluetooth headset while cooking dinner and feeding the dog while cleaning your house and balancing your taxes, all at the same time.

Answers to Question 5

If you answered ...

A. Your life is similar to a large ball of twine, and anytime you pluck at one of the loose ends you begin to unravel and go totally loopy. Generally speaking, this is not good.

B. Good for you for filling your time, but you may find that relaxing more than once a year is a great way to, well, stay alive.

C. Idle hands are the Devil's workshop, so some people say. They may be right, or more likely wrong, but in any case just give yourself a break every once in a while. You might find that it is nearly as therapeutic as that case of Valium you inhaled yesterday.

You have now gone through 5 questions in this silly stress quiz. Thank you for that. We are pleased to inform you that you are now halfway through it.

As mentioned we have been monitoring your eye movements as well as your respiration, perspiration and heart rate (which is to HELP and PROTECT you and which has absolutely nothing to do with you letting go of your human and civil rights and your country slowly easing towards becoming a police state), and so we regret to inform you that we are noticing an increase in your stress level just from reading this page.

We only want what's best or you, so to help ease your tension for the second half of this stress quiz we are cutting down on the number of potential answers we provide you with and ask you to choose between. (Please ignore the fact that we have also added two questions, making for a total or 12 instead of 10).

Right.

Moving on.

Onwards and downwards!

Are you frustrated with your work?

A. Yes! I am sick and tired of all of the petty office squabbling that I have to put up with, even though I am not a manager (and most particularly if I am). My job is not too bad, but I think that I would prefer to go someplace where I don't have to hear about Janet's weight loss issues, John's never ending problems with his wife and teenage kids, and Peter's irritable bowel syndrome.

B. Yes! My work is frustrating, and I can never make enough progress. Even though I work 70 hour weeks, there is always more work that seems to end up on my plate. I can do nothing but work through until my fingers have been worn down to small nubs.

Answers to Question 6  

If you answered ...

A. The issues that you are facing at work are more interpersonal problems rather than work related issues. Perhaps you should consider a career in informatics, IT or grave digging. After all, computers and corpses never mention their health, relationship or weight issues.

B. If you are working at this pace, you are destined to have an early heart attack, an early divorce, or an early coffee-related mental breakdown. Sorry.

How much time would you say you have to do what you want to do?

A. I have plenty of time to do the things that I need to do. Four hours of sleep a night is more than enough; and I always take a few minutes to eat during my lunch break. I can easily eat my burger in a few minutes while typing with the other hand, and I always set aside between 30 seconds and 2 whole minutes every day for a nice, relaxing shower.

B. I find that Sunday is the only day that I can actually get any work on (or in) my house done, as I work Monday through Saturday, and I often meet with clients Saturday night. So, not much time.

Answers to Question 7  

If you answered ...

A. We can only say that the action-packed life you lead would put The Flash, Quicksilver, Speedy Gonzalez and every other cartoon and comic book speedster to shame. So live fast and die young (but become and ugly corpse none the less because of all the stress). Or slow down.

B. You need to take more time for yourself, as one day a week is simply not enough to do all that you need to do and wind down at the same time. The rest time you need becomes even more important to you if you are married and have kids (particularly if they are very young or teenagers), but even as a single you need time to rest. So relax, dude, chill out. And while you are chilling out you may notice that the world continues to revolve without you helping it do so. This is an important observation.

Do you think that you do a good job in whatever you do?

A. Not really. I try my best, but it is hard to juggle work, family, friends, pets and personal time. I often end up leaving projects undone and pets, friends and family unattended simply because I run out of time to do everything. As for taking time for myself, that's pretty much a joke.

B. Oh, yes. I always do every task that I am assigned, and then some; and I manage to get them all done in the 22 hours I have every working day. My house is a mess, my car is barely running, I don't actually have a family anymore - or friends - but I get a lot of work done!

Answers to Question 8  

If you answered ...

A. It is vital that you take both personal time and time with your family, friends and pets in addition to the time that you spend at work. For everything you do ask yourself: WHY am I doing this? For everything you don't do, as yourself: Why am I NOT doing this? After all, why else are you working if not to have fun with your family, friends and pets? Why are you alive, if not to enjoy life? Oh, and while you are asking all these questions and surely finding some great answers, could you please find out for us why and how an even number of socks inevitably turn into an uneven number after you have washed them? Just WHERE do all those missing socks go?

B. You should be congratulated, perhaps, as you are achieving the impossible and working your butt off doing the work of five or six people. While the rest of us don't want to be anywhere near you because we get stressed out just by looking at you, you being such a workaholic does mean both good and bad things for the rest of us. Obviously you are keeping several able and willing people out of a job, but at the same time some lazy bastards (like us) don't have to work at all. So, yeah, thanks to you some people commit suicide because they can't find work, while others (like us, lazy bastards that we are) actually have the time to live our lives. However, we suspect that your nerves look like a 75 year old worn out hempen rope, after you replaced your family and friends with work, and even replaced yourself with a work robot whose primary sustenance, we have not doubt, is pills and coffee. Now, we don't want to discourage you from doing our work for us, but do you really want it to be this way?

How did you handle the last traumatic event in your family, such as the death of a loved one?

A. I was torn up by it, but I didn't have much time to do anything more than attend the funeral. I barely made it through traffic in time for the ceremony, and after it was done I quickly had to rush back to the office to finish up a bunch of tasks.

B. I didn't know any of them had died. Perhaps if someone would schedule it into my agenda I would know when one of them dies.

Answers to Question 9  

If you answered ...

A. Work may demand a lot of your time, but you know what? It's not really that important. Life, love and death, now, those WOULD seem a bit more important, don't you agree? No? Well, okay, but we bet your family would love it if you at least considered actually being there.

B. Get your head out of your ass-ignments!

How is your relationship with your friends and your family?

A. It is fairly strained, thanks to the fact that I am hardly ever home - and never there for my friends, either. When I am home, or with my friends, I tend to be cranky and snap at them most of the time. I know it's not ideal, but what can I do?

B. Which friends? What family?

Answers to Question 10  

If you answered ...

A. You could get your priorities straight. Or, alternatively, you can just keep doing what you have been doing and ruin your social and family life. Cutting back on work is vital, but only if you want to end up still having a family and friends a year or two down the line.

B. Perhaps you haven't met 'that special someone' - or even a good friend - because you rarely venture outside the four walls of your office; and what with having a relationship with your secretary being against company policy what else is there? But consider this: If you are too busy to have a family or friends, then what is the point of working so hard? We regret to inform you that if you consider this carefully you will find that there is no point.

At what age do you plan to retire?

A. I would like to retire at 60, though I think I may have to work until I am at least 65. Or perhaps 75. Maybe 85. Maybe just a bit older than that. A fear that I have about retirement is the fact that I won't know what to do with myself, and I hate playing golf.

B. Retire? What is that? Don't you just work until the day you die? Hey! Why didn't anyone tell me about retirement?

Answers to Question 11  

If you answered ...

A. Since you are a workaholic retirement is the best chance that you will have to unwind and relax, so you should plan for a future in which you may one day retire. You can work hard now and for a long time to come as long as you do have a plan to retire in the future. You know, more than a week before you drop dead from old age - and stress.

B. In your case, you probably end up working until the day you die - a day which may be here sooner than you expect - unless you make some serious life changes. As hard as it may be to think of a day in which you will not drink 84 cups of coffee and have jittery frayed-rope-resembling nerves that, it will do you good to unwind one day in the future. Or, alternatively, you could just unwind in the coffin.

How do you handle serious injuries?

A. It is hard for me to stop working, and even though I am temporarily handicapped I try to get as much work done as I can - while following the doctor's orders to have bed rest, of course. The problem is, if I am resting in bed I feel unproductive and that I am not getting anything done.

B. I have already taken care of that problem. I have bought a host of equipment and software that is voice controlled, and I have even installed the latest brainwave reader in case my fingers, legs, and vocal chords are damaged.

Answers to Question 12  

If you answered ...

A. It is important that you take the time to rest, and not feel bad if you are not working, but do what you can to force yourself to stop working and truly relax. In fact, you may find that this injury is just what you need.

B. Perhaps you may want to consider actually taking a few minutes to allow your body to heal, maybe even a few hours if you can swing it? God forbid that you actually take a few days or even the prescribed weeks to let a serious injury heal! After all, you can always type with your elbows if your fingers are broken, right? But don't worry, you are likely to have an early 'retirement' from entirely natural causes and that takes care of, well, everything.