Lots of Very Funny Jokes
and Humorous Phrases
Nothing lifts your spirits like very funny jokes. Well, maybe except really funny short jokes. Reading some good jokes can kick your day off with a laugh and a smile, and why not do just that?
To kick off the page, we present:
The Jewish Samurai
- In days long past, a Chinese emperor needed a new samurai to be his personal bodyguard. He sent out a message to all the lands summoning the best warriors to his court in three years time.
The day of the summoning arrives, and only three warriors present themselves.
The first, a Japanese Samurai, stepped forward. He opened a matchbox to release a fly into the air. With a slash of his sword, the tiny fly drops to the ground, chopped in half.
The second, a Chinese Samurai, stepped forward. He too opened a matchbox to release a mosquito into the air. With two quick chops, the mosquito dropped dead in four pieces.
The third, a Jewish Samurai, stepped forward. He opened his matchbox to set a small fruit fly flying in the air. He slashed the air, but the fruit fly continued to fly.
The Emperor, disappointed, asked why the fruit fly was not dead.
The Jewish Samurai replied, "If you look closely, you will notice that the fruit fly was just circumcised."
Really Funny Short Jokes
Any joke can be a lot of fun, but hilarious jokes like short jokes and one liners are particularly great jokes because, well, they're so short and to the point.
Just like alcohol can pack a lot of punch (or is it the other way around?), so one liners and really funny short jokes can pack a lot of fun into a very compact package.
Here is a list of some of the best really funny short jokes and very funny jokes that you will ever find:
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- Teacher: Did your father give you any help with your assignment? Student: Nope. He did everything on his own.
- Shampoo is a fake! Boycott Shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Two muffins are sitting in the oven, when one turns to the other muffin and asks, "Is it just me or is it hot in here?" The second muffin’s eyes widen and he exclaims, "Holy cow! A talking muffin!"
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?'
- Kid: Dad, what’s an idiot? Dad: An idiot is someone who tries to explain something in such a roundabout and long way that the person to whom he is explaining something has absolutely no idea what he is talking about. Understand?" Kid: No.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- A man is sitting on his couch watching his TV when he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door, and only sees a snail sitting on his stoop. He throws the snail across the street and goes back to watching TV.
A year later, he is again sitting on his couch watching TV when the doorbell rings again. He opens the door to see an angry snail, who yells, "What the Heck was that for?"
- When asked if he was prepared to support a family, the new son-in-law answered, "I’m sorry, I was only planning on providing for your daughter. The rest of you will have to support yourselves."
Let's proceed with even more great jokes.
Great Jokes about Countries
It is always entertaining to see how countries tend to interact with each other.
Many countries are always trying to outdo each other in every area, and many very funny jokes illustrate that point clearly.
Below are some really funny jokes that show just how funny competition between countries can be:
Really Funny Joke about Russia and the U.S.
Russia and the U.S. were at the peak of the Cold War when they realized that they were going to destroy the entire world - several times over, even - if they kept competing by creating and using the traditional kinds of weapons.
So, they had a meeting.
After long and arduous negotiations they decided that a dog fight was a great way to settle the dispute.
They decided that five years would be sufficient time in which to breed the perfect dog, after which the dog fight would ensue. The loser would have to give up all of their weapons and surrender to the victor, who would then rule the entire world.
While a bit silly, this seemed like a good solutions to all parties involved. At least it didn't include destroying the world.
The Russians wasted no time and spent months searching the world to find the meanest, most vicious dog that they could. They came up with a huge, crazy dog that was part Rottweiler and part dire wolf. They mated this dog with a second most vicious dog they had found - a particularly nasty and unstable Doberman Pinscher.
Then, from the resulting litter, they picked the biggest and most aggressive one of the puppies.
This wild dog was given the mother’s milk enriched with nutrients plus testosterone, steroids and all sorts of other hormones.
After the five years had passed, the dog was one exceptionally mean monster.
The day of the fight came, and the Americans trotted out their dog. It was weiner dog, a tiny dachshund. The Russians laughed as they set their dog on the American dog.
The minute the Russian dog came near the American dog, the little dachshund opened his mouth and gobbled down the Russian dog in one bite.
The Russians were boggled. "But we spent five years training and breeding our dog to be the biggest, meanest dog ever!"
The Americans replied, "Yeah, well, we spent five years figuring out how to make an alligator look like a dachshund."
About an American, a Russian and a Pole
- Very Funny Jokes about Countries and Countrymen
An American, a Russian, and a Pole were riding on a train. The American man pulled out a case of the finest cigarettes, took one drag on it, and proceeded to throw both the cigarette and pack out the window. His response to the shocked looks of the others was, "In America, we have lots of these."
The Russian man, not to be outdone, pulled out a case of premium Russian vodka. He took a sip, and proceeded to throw the bottle and the entire case out of the window. His response to the boggled looks of the others was, "In Russia, we have lots of these."
The Pole, thinking quickly, picked up the Russian and threw him out the window. His response to the American’s startled look was simply, "In Poland, we have lots of these."
Three Men in a Desert
- More Good Jokes on Their Way
Three men are driving through the desert, but their car ends up stalling and breaking down. Each decides to take something with them to aid them in their trek through the desert.
The first, being a practical Englishman, grabs a bottle of water from the car. The second, being a staid Scotsman, grabs an umbrella. The third, being an Irishman, grabs the car door.
The others question his decision, but he mocks them saying, "This way I can always roll down the window when I get too hot walking in this desert."
Hilarious Jokes about Drinking and Alcohol
A wise person once said: 'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!' and we would add that you should consider this: 'Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.'
Also, you might consider this: There's 24 hours in a day ... and 24 beers in a case ... do you REALLY think that is just coincidence?
Funny jokes about alcohol can make you laugh till you pee ... or is it that alcohol can make you want to pee so much that you seem laughable?
Probably a bit of both!
Even if these very funny jokes and drinking jokes will not improve your drinking habits, hopefully they will improve your day:
Please enjoy our collection of funny jokes on alcohol :-)
A True Irish Beer Lover
An American man walks into an Irish pub. "I will give 100 dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of beer in under ten minutes," he proclaims loudly.
Most people simply ignore the loudmouthed American, but one Irishman gets up and walks out of the pub. He returns a few minutes later and asks, "Is that bet still on?"
The American man nods, and signals for the barkeep to set up ten pints of Guinness. The Irishman downs the pints in under ten minutes and collects his prize money. The American man asks him, "Where did you go when you left the bar?"
The Irishman replies, "I went to the pub across the way to see if I could do it or not."
A Couple of Guys in a Bar
- Even More Hilarious Jokes
A man seated at a bar turns to the man sitting next to him and says, "Hello, where are you from?"
The man next to him replies, "I’m from Ireland."
The first man’s eyes widen as he replies, "Me too! What part of the city are you from?"
The second man replies, "I’m from Castletown, near Phoenix Park."
The first man replies, "Me too! What’s the name of your grandmother?"
The second man replies, "Dorothy."
The first man replies, "Wow, mine too!"
About that time, a new customer walks into the bar and asks the barkeep, "Hey Mac, what’s new?"
The barkeep replies, "Nothing much. The Thompson twins are drunk again."
Going Home
A man sitting at a bar decides that he has had enough to drink. He gets up off his stool, but instantly collapses the moment he takes a step. He pulls himself up, and takes another step only to collapse. He manages to make his way out the door, collapsing at every step.
He walks/falls down the street until he finally reaches his front steps. He tries to walk up them, but has to drag himself up the stairs due to his inability to stand. He fumbles in his pocket for his key, and collapses into his home as the door opens.
He manages to drag himself up the stairs, and collapses into bed. His wife asks him, "Jim, have you been drinking?"
He replies, "Of course not, dear. I’ve been playing poker with, uh, uh, that other guy."
She responds, "Well, it's a wonder you got home. The bar called and said you left your wheelchair."
Warnings for Beer Bottles
- Lots of Very Funny Jokes
Warnings that should be placed on alcohol bottles:
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when really you aren’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you staggering around like an idiot.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact she really isn’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at Karate and Kickboxing.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you are invisible.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that people aren’t really laughing AT you, they’re laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet burns on your forehead.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a really, really large man named Hans.
Funny One Line Jokes and Funny Stupid Questions
Still reading this page about funny hilarious jokes?
That just goes to show your good judgment - and good judgment is something that comes from experience, though unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
So learn from the mistakes of others (because you probably won't live long enough to make all of them yourself).
Or, you could wait, because all good things come in small packages to those who wait ...but so do all the bad things, and it's also the bigger the better and anyways time and tide wait for no man, woman or wombat.
Did you know we were going to say that? No wonder, because wise men think alike, but fools seldom differ.
Okay, we'll shut up now 'cause silence is golden', even if the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Leaving the scene for some great very funny jokes:
- If large elephants have trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
- Doesn't it worry you that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- What do Australians call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
- MARRIAGE, definition possibility no. 1: Marriage is an agreement whereby a man loses his bachelor degree and gains his master.
- MARRIAGE, definition possibility no. 2: Marriage is an agreement whereby a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
- Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Ever wonder we never see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- What is a conference but the mistakes and confusion of one man multiplied by the number of people present?
- How does a rich, spoiled girl change a light bulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
- It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
- Your first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Your second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Your third marriage is just plain old stupidity.
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
More hilarious jokes coming up ...
The Best Stupid 'What Do You Call' Jokes
An inordinate amount of 'what do you call ...' jokes that play on names exist, most of them silly and not really worth repeating. However, we have found a few funny jokes that we think are.
Here they are:
- What do you call a man with a government subsidy? Grant.
- What do you call a guy who plants rice? Paddy.
- What do you call a guy who owns a truck? Van.
- What do you call a guy who is just like everybody else? Norm.
- What do you call a guy who fell ten floors from a building and landed on his head? Spike.
- What do you call a guy who is all feet? Archie.
- What do you call a guy who's been hung up on the wall by his belt? Art.
- What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms and no legs? Skip.
- What do you call a guy who gets walked all over? Matt.
- What do you call a guy who has been struck by lightning?
Rod.
Really Funny Jokes: The Dating Dictionary
Dating has a different meaning to everyone, and there are some great jokes on what dating really means.
Take for example, the meaning of:
- Attraction: Associating a feeling of being horny with a particular person.
- Love at First Sight: Two very horny, not very particular people when they first meet.
- Dating: Spending a good deal of energy, time, and effort into getting to know someone who you don’t even like now and will like even less in the future.
- Eye Contact: Something that women do to show that they are interested in men, but also something that men are unable to do, seeing as how they are so busy staring at the woman’s chest, rear, or anywhere else that isn’t her eyes.
- Friend: Someone who is not attractive enough to be suitable "date" material.
- Interesting: A word men use to get women to do all of the talking in a conversation.
- Irritating Habit: Something which, a few months back, was an endearing quality that attracted you to a person.
- Law of Relativity: The law that dictates just how attractive someone else is in relation to how unattractive your current date is.
- Nymphomaniac: The name given to a woman by a man who doesn’t want to have sex as much as she does.
- Sober: A state of being in which it is nearly impossible for two people to fall in love.
Some Great Jokes on Dating
Ah, the eternal dance of man and woman (or woman and woman, man and man, or man and camel, or whatever the case may be).
Dating can really be one of the funniest experiences. Not to mention that it can lead to sex ... or even romance.
People tend to go kind of crazy when they are dating, and often the fact that they are dating someone causes them to completely change themselves. So, in reality, when people are dating, who is dating who?
Nobody knows.
Consequently, there are hundreds of excellent and funny jokes on dating.
Here's one good example of hilarious jokes on dating:
The Blind Date
- Funny Jokes on Dating
- Andrew is getting set up for a blind date by his friend, Don.
Andrew is to meet Don's female friend, Mary, but this is Andrew's first blind date and seeing as how he is into people's looks and style of dress and that sort of thing, he is kind of worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly and dresses even worse?" says Andrew, "Then I'll be stuck with her all night, and it'll be terrible."
"Don't worry," Don says. "She's into looks and fashion just like you. But here's a plan: You go up to her door and meet her there first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned and you continue on your date. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack, after which you excuse yourself and leave. Problem solved."
So that night, Andrew knocks at Mary's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"
Nasty Dating Trouble
A guy had just spent over an hour with a woman he found incredibly boring and who he couldn’t stand for another minute. However, he had arranged with a friend to call him as an excuse to leave the restaurant if the date wasn’t a success.
After answering the phone call, he returned to the table with a serious expression on his face. "My grandfather just died," he said solemnly.
"Thanks God," said the woman, "I was afraid that mine was going to have to if yours didn’t."
A shy man walks into a bar and sits at a table alone. He spots a beautiful woman sitting at a table, and takes an hour to screw up his courage to go talk to her. He asks, "Mind if I sit and chat for a while?"
She replies at the top of her lungs, "No, I’m not going to sleep with you!"
All eyes turn to the incredibly embarrassed man, who quickly escapes to his table.
A minute later the woman comes over to him with a cold beer and offers it to him, explaining, "I’m sorry about that. I’m a psychology grad student, and tonight I am studying the way that people react when in embarrassing situations."
The guy responds, shouting at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $300?"
A Third Joke on Dating
Shortly after a long night of passion, John rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl he had just been with, Tony, if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Great Car Jokes and Funny Driving Jokes: Automotive Humor at Its Best
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